You are my reason and my strength

17 Apr

My beautiful son,

I know that things have been strange and stressful these past few months. I  know that momma hasn’t been her usual self. I’ve been sad and less patient than usual. All of these changes are big and scary, even for momma. I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry if that has made things more difficult and scary for you as well, but I want you to know that no matter what I will always love you. I want you to know that even when I am mad, or lose my patience, or get frustrated I still love you more than anything in the entire universe.

Someday I hope that I’ll be able to explain what is happening and why, but for now just know that I am doing my best to figure this out for both of us. I need your help to do that though. I know that you are too young to understand that now, but I hope that as we move forward and try to rebuild our lives that we will be able to do it together and as a team because I can’t do this without you.

Soon you are going to have to start staying with your father for a few days at a time and it’s something that I am REALLY struggling to accept and prepare for. I have been with you from the very beginning and the idea of not having you with me is hard for me. It scares me that something will happen and I won’t be there to help or be there for you. The truth is that I don’t want you to stay overnight with your father. Not ever. There are a lot of reasons for this and they all stem from the fact that he has hurt me in a way that I hope you will never know and as a result I no longer trust him, especially with what is most precious to me in all the universe – you.

Unfortunately I am going to make mistakes. I’ll probably lose my temper and yell, even if I’m not really mad at you. I am sorry that those things will happen and have no doubt already happened (even if I didn’t realize it at the time). I can promise you that I will always love you more than my own life and that every day I will try to be better than I was the day before. I’m sure that with your love and help we can make it through this difficult and scary time and move on to something brighter and full of possibilities.

You are my only reason and strength to try to move on. Without you I would be forever lost.

Your ever-loving and devoted mother

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Posted by on April 17, 2014 in Letters to Son


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