That never occurred to me

And the hits just keep on coming! LOL

Truth be told it isn’t funny, but if I didn’t laugh I would cry and right now crying isn’t an option. Niether is hiding from the world until I feel more confident in being able to figure everything out and that is what I really want to do right now. I know that the first thought about why I am feeling this way is that I am depressed, but I would have to say it is more likely that I am just feeling overwhelmed. Nothing too new in that, but right now it is kind of kicking my butt a bit. Things just don’t feel like they are timing out in my favor and the more that I try to get my feet under me the more things seem to sweep them out from under me.

I am not the kind of person who generally makes New Year’s Resolutions (I have most likely said that in at least one other entry), but this year I really did want to try and get — well, better situated I guess, since I can’t think of a better way to say it.

As I have thought about everything (not that I have had much choice at times — my mind seems to have a mind of it’s own — LOL) I have had a realization that I don’t know if I have had before. I already knew that I have a hard time trusting other people and that as a result I have a hard time asking for help. Even from those individuals that I know would be willing and able to help. I have even had the thought that part of the reason for my hesitation is that I don’t want to be a bother or a burden to anyone, but I think I may have finally stumbled onto the real reason I am so hesitant to ask for help — I feel like I should be able to do all these things on my own. Ok, so maybe it doesn’t sound like the most Earth-shattering epiphany ever, but to me it was quite a revelation, especially considering the fact that shortly after coming to that realization I remembered that near the beginning of my divorce process, after moving my son and I out of what had been our family’s home and into a new apartment I had the thought that I wanted to prove to my ex that his choice to force this divorce had been a mistake. Not only would I survive, I was going to thrive. That I was going to be the best parent that anyone could be, a parent that he would NEVER be able to live up to and that I was going to be able to do all these things that he was convinced I would not be able to do without him or his help. I had not remembered having that thought and as I remember where I was, how I was feeling and what I was going through at the time I think that was probably the most vindictive I was throughout it all.

“I feel like I should be able to do all these things on my own.” Not a complicated thought, but somehow this straightforward sentence consisting of just 15 words had eluded me, until recently that is. Finding them was like finding a light switch. All of the sudden I felt like I understood certain things about myself better. I have been known to say that it is the little things in life, and this little sentence has definitely had an impact. Despite the realization there has been no instant or overnight change, that would be unrealistic. I still struggle with trusting people and I still struggle with asking for help, but now I am more aware of why I am being hesitant to ask and can remind myself that no one can do everything on their own, I can tell myself that this is one of those times where help is needed and that is ok.

There are still all kinds of things that I wish I could change and most of them will never happen, which is ok, but at least I kind of feel like I can start moving forward a little more easily. I am going to have to keep taking baby steps until I feel that I have my feet more firmly planted under me, but at least those steps will be headed in the right direction and that is the most important thing.

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Posted by on February 7, 2018 in Wonders & Ramblings


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