Hard time trusting

Friends,

You’ve probably heard me say this before and you are going to hear me say it again — If you are friends with both my ex and myself I do not ever want to make you feel like you have to choose between us or take sides. If I ever make you feel like I am putting you in such a position I hope that you will please tell me because more than likely I have no idea that is what has happened. If I don’t contact you it’s not because I no longer want to be friends with you, but because I do not want my attempts at contact to be misinterpreted as putting you in the middle I am hesitant to do so. I want to talk to you, but I want to know that you want to talk to me too. I know that contacting me may feel awkward and I totally get it, but please don’t let that stop you from contacting me and I will try not to let my awkwardness not to prevent me from contacting you.

All that being said — I don’t know if I can trust you. I want to, but if you are still friends with and in contact with my ex I don’t know if I can. How do I know that the things I tell you in confidence will stay between us and that you won’t got telling him everything that I have said the next time that you talk to or communicate with him? The truth is that unless you tell me that you are no longer friends with him, you unfriend him on FB and generally stop having anything to do with him I don’t. I know that sounds horrible for me to say, but it is the truth. The recent, conscious realization of this fact is very saddening and upsetting for me. I am very aware of the fact that for those of you reading this it is more than likely coming across in the exact way I just said that I didn’t want to make you feel — that I am asking or making you choose sides. I assure you that I am not. I am merely trying to (poorly) express how I feel. I WANT to talk to you, at times (maybe more frequently than I should) I want to confide in you after you ask how I am doing. I have lost so much lately that I do not want to lose my friendships to, but if you are going to be my friend I need you to be a true friend. Maybe I should be able to trust you when you tell me that you are still my friend, but the truth is that I need some major reassurance these days. I would hope that you can understand why.

If, for some reason that I may never be able to understand, you decide that you no longer want to be my friend then do me the curtsy of telling me. It will hurt, I’ll be confused and caught off guard, but the least you can do is be honest and tell me. If you do not want to be my friend then I hope that you will also tell me why you have come to this decision. I sincerely hope that none of you will have come to this decision, but you are each your own person, as such you are all welcome to your own opinions and to make decisions on this opinions and I will miss having you as my friend.

If I have any friends left after this entry thank you for being there for me. It means more to me then I will ever be able to express, but please don’t take it personally if I still have a hard time trusting you.