A lost loser

Self,

It’s been a hell of a week and I really feel the need to write about it, but I hardly know where to begin, let alone what to write about. I’ve been stressing more and more about child care for my son and despite my repeated requests his father has been of no help what-so-ever. It’s getting to the point where I am just going to have to do everything myself, as usual, if anything is going to get done by the time it needs to be done. I REALLY don’t want to do that.

On top of dealing with child care stress and other general concerns I worked two days this week that were in addition to my regular work schedule. It wasn’t bad, not something that I relish doing more of in the future, but it’s not like I have a choice in that respect any more. In addition to working the extra days and the stress of trying to make sure that I had the necessary child care for those days on the second day of working I got a text from my mother saying that my favorite aunt’s breast cancer has returned and she is not expected to live much longer. She lives roughly 2,000 miles away, so the chances of getting to see her again before she passes away are basically nonexistent. Before learning this I had planned on writing her a letter that night after getting my son to bed (I used to write her a letter every week), so made sure to get one written and out in the mail as quickly as possible so that it might have a chance of getting to her before she passes away. I really hope she gets it and is able to see the picture my son colored for her in time.

Also this week I had the nightmarish experience of having yet another nightmare turn into a reality. One night this past week, not long after putting my son to sleep and getting him laid down in bed I was getting ready for bed myself when the fire alarm in our building started going off. (This is the loudest fire alarm I have ever heard and would not be surprised if a deaf person could hear it. Even the fire department has said that it is the loudest fire alarm they have ever heard.) I have been dreading something like this happening since bringing my son home from the hospital. I threw on my robe, grabbed my son, phone and keys and was out the door. Luckily there was no fire and no danger, except to our eardrums. The alarm had been pulled by a kid (presumably from the complex) who hadn’t liked being told that they needed to go home by another resident in our building. The fire department came, checked out the building and gave us the all clear. My son went back to sleep more quickly and easily than I feared that he would and much to my relief slept through the rest of the night with no problems. That experience has not made me feel better about how I will react if something like this happens again in the future, instead it makes me more scared and nervous for if it happens again. We got lucky this time in that it was a warm night, there was no danger and that when the alarm went off while I was still fully awake so I am sure that I responded more quickly that I would have if I had been woken up from a sound sleep. I did respond quickly, which is a relief to know I am capable of doing, and as it was happening I was glad that I have, since my move a few months ago, started to hang my keys on a hook by my door. I was also relieved to know that my son’s diaper was still in the car with a spare set of clothes and some diapers because I had been unable to carry it into the apartment earlier that day. In order to be prepared for if this should happen again at a more inconvenient time, such as the middle of the night in the dead of winter, I think I may put a change of clothes in the car for each of us that does not leave the car, as well as having a bag of important things to have in case of emergency right near the door that I can grab on the way out without having to stop and think about it.

Needless to say this week has left me physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted and has just reinforced how much my life has fallen and is falling apart around me. I have not always been my own biggest fan and I can say with no hesitation that I generally do not like myself very much, but I do not recall having ever felt like a loser and lately that is exactly how I am feeling, at least in this moment. Right now I feel like nothing more than a lost loser.