Epic Failure?

Dear Internet and all the people in it,

Today has been a really difficult day for me and I have spent most of the day feeling like a horrible mother. This past week my son has been REALLY struggling with listening. Whatever the reason for his struggle he has had a much harder time with it than usual and I have no idea why. When I ask him if something is wrong or bothering him he says no and that listening is just hard. I have tired not to yell to get results, but honestly I have failed. I have tried to ignore the poor behavior and I have tried to calmly deal with his various, representative and frustrating lapses in listening. It has been a struggle that I just can’t quite make progress on this week. None of my strategies have worked and there have been too many instances when I want to just give up trying to deal with it.

Today was the worst day of the past week and it hit me really hard. BD had driven out last night and stayed the night and I had hoped that he would be able to stay, at least for a few hours, after he woke up, but he (understandably) became frustrated by my son’s behavior, or lack thereof, and left. From the moment that BD said he was going to leave this morning I have felt like the most spectacular failure as a mother. (BD if you ever read this please know that I do understand why you felt you needed to leave and that my feelings of inadequacy did not develop because of your leaving this morning.)

One of my biggest fears, especially once my ex told me that we were going to be getting divorced whether or not I wanted to, was that I was not going to be a good mother. I KNEW that I would make mistakes. I KNEW that there would be times when I would struggle and feel lost, I KNEW there was nothing I could do to prevent any of that from happening and I KNEW I would experience all of those things on many more than one occasion. I love my son more than anything in the entire world and I do not want to fail him as a mother.

My fellow interneters I come to you feeling broken, lost and alone. Doubting my ability to be a good mother and desperately trying to figure out what my best course of action is and how to not only address my son’s current phase of disobedience as well as how to curb and prevent this behavior in the future. While any advice and/or words of wisdom that you and the internet may provide me tonight I am here mainly looking for strength, respite and some sign that despite feeling lost I am not alone and that I am not the epic failure I have been feeling myself to be over the past week. While finding these things outside myself would be most appreciated I somehow need to find these things inside myself for them to be truly beneficial for me. Until I start to feel more equipped to deal with my son’s latest trend of insurrection I will be unable to stop asking myself if I am nothing more than an epic failure.