Doctor K,
I really wish that I could have an appointment every week, but since I can’t I guess I’ll just have to make do with making it in whenever I can.
During our last appointment you asked me about whether or not I had considered starting to date because you agreed with me that if/when I do start dating my soon-to-be-ex will more than likely change his currently cavalier attitude towards some of the things that have been upsetting me will and make a dramatic 180 despite his saying that will not be the case. You also asked what you could do to help me get through this difficulty and deal with these things that are so upsetting for me. In answer to that question help me not to be so bothered and hurt by all of this. Help me to not care about the fact that he is MORE than dating other women, including women that I know. Help me to be able to forget how I felt about him so that every time I am forced to interact with him it doesn’t hurt so much. Essentially — help me to completely shut off my emotions, at least as far as he is concerned, so that the only thing left when it comes to him is my logical self.
I am sure you will say that this will happen gradually as I grieve, mourn and work through all of this, but unfortunately that does me absolutely no go. Eventually, someday, before you know it, in time, tomorrow, and so on and so forth are completely useless to me. I’m not trying to deny or avoid the feelings created by this. In fact I happen to think that on the whole I have handled thing really well, but it still doesn’t do me any good! I can not continue to feel this pain every time I hear his voice, see his face (in person or a picture), have random thoughts pop uncontrollably into my head and everything else that has been happening up to this point. I need to be able to not experience these things right now.
It’s impossible I know. There is no way to bypass, let alone speed up, the mourning process. It has to happen in its own time. This knowledge just makes all of this much more difficult because by the time I do get to a state where things are not so emotionally difficult for me the most important time will have passed. The time during which the divorce is processed, negotiated and finalized.
Do you think that if I had allowed myself to have a complete meltdown early on that I would be farther along the path of mourning right now? Is there something wrong with me that during this time when most people (men and women both) would have reacted far more emotionally most of my reactions have been rather measured? That despite all of the pain that he has and is causing me I still can’t stop myself from worrying about how things are going to affect him before I worry about what is going to be best for me? Does it prove how much I loved him or just how pathetic I am that even now I can not seem to bring myself to hate him? That the most negative emotion, aside from the momentary flashes of anger that never seem to last very long, is resentment? What does that say about me?
I have no interest in dating. None. I do not discount the possibility in the future, but anticipate that IF a time ever comes where that changes it will be years down the road. (I’m sure that by then my soon-to-be-ex’s attitude will legitimately be the attitude that is currently false and untested.) I am NOT asking for help with cutting off all my emotional responses in connection to my soon-to-be-ex because I want to start dating and prove him wrong. I am asking because I don’t know how to do it on my own and since I have no choice but to let go of and accept the murder of my marriage I have to find some way to get past this.
I guess the best way to sum everything up is to say this — help me not to hurt and help to make that happen quickly.
Letters From a Single Mom 