Coping? I’m not sure I am.

05 May

It has been a while since I have posted and while I feel like I should have more time to be able to write on here with everything that is going on and my spending more time at home I actually feel like I have less time than before the world went insane. Anyone else feel that way too?

While I feel like I have handled the Covid pandemic pretty well I know that it has most definitely affected me. My anxiety, which prior to Covid was more situational (and mostly related to my ex) has now become much more social. I have also been struggling with at least some depression. Nothing so serious as me not being able to get out of bed in the morning, not enjoying my hobbies anymore or feeling suicidal/homicidal, but I have struggled with finding the will power to do basic chores around the house until they pile up to the point that I can’t really ignore them anymore.

I know that I shouldn’t let that happen and I know that doing a little bit everyday to stay on top of it can help so that things don’t build up and so that I don’t start to feel overwhelmed and have to spend the better portion of a day to get caught up, but I really struggle to get myself to do the things that I need to do.

I have been working with my doctor as much as possible, which has been difficult seeing as how I have been having to fight with the insurance that I have had. I have to pay for insurance out of my own pocket since I don’t qualify for it through my employer, especially now, and the insurance that I signed up for was misrepresented to me. I am looking into getting that changed by trying to see what, if anything, I might qualify for through and if I can find something that I can afford then I will certainly switch things up, but until that happens I am just doing the best that I can, which is really all I can do.

I have also been struggling more and more when my son goes to visit his father. I have always hated it when he goes to visit because not only do I miss him when he is gone, but also because I never wanted him to go visit and he doesn’t like going to visit his father for as long as he has to, but lately it has been a million times harder to not have him at home. Again it isn’t a situation where I am completely despondent when he is gone and I am home alone with the animals, but it is definitely much harder when he is gone.

I have been focusing a lot on my hobbies, like my cross stitch, knitting and so on, which has been really nice because I have been able to complete a few projects that I have been wanting to do, but of course I found plenty more that I want to do moving forward. LOL

It would be nice to be able to find some kind of a schedule for my various hobbies so that I can do a little bit of everything in the time that I am at home with my son, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. Of course by the time I do things will have returned to much more of a normal state than they are right now, like the kids going back to school full time, which is something that I am not 100% sure I am comfortable with doing. I am trying not to be an over-reactive, over-protective parent, but the truth of the matter is that with the number of cases that my son’s school has reported this year I don’t really want him to go back. I am currently planning to play it by ear though and see where things are at and how I am feeling as we get into the later part of the summer.

I have also been debating as to whether or not I am going to get the vaccine. I completely agree with vaccine and I understand the importance of getting one as a parent because my son is too young to get one, but I have to admit I have a fair amount of apprehension about the speed at which this vaccine came out. It’s great that our scientific community has been able to get something out as quickly as they have, but that is part of my concern. The vaccines that I got as a kid and that my son has gotten over the course of his life are ones that went through years and years of testing before they started human testing, let alone before they were released for general use. I have talked to my doctor about the vaccine as well as some friends of mine who work in the pharmaceutical industry and they have helped to alleviate some of my fears by letting me know things like the fact that the”common cold” is actually a form of the Corona virus and that is something that the companies have been studying for years. That information has been the biggest reassurance, but at the same time I am still nervous about it and I honestly don’t like the idea of being a guinea pig because there is absolutely no way to know what, if any, long term side effects there may be. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate. That is the questions. In the end I don’t know how I am going to make that decision.

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Posted by on May 5, 2021 in General


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