Bothered that it might bother me

02 Aug

This summer has been more busy and crazy than I could ever have imagined and I don’t mind saying that I am feeling burnt out. I don’t  know if that feeling is causing me to be more emotional or not, but it certainly doesn’t help that in addition to feeling burnt out I am also feeling overwhelmed by so many different things.

One of the tings that I can’t get out of my head lately is that I think my ex’s girlfriend might be pregnant. I don’t know that she is, but based on some of the things that my ex has said lately have definitely made me wonder. For a split second I was tempted to ask if that was the case, even if just to make an off hand comment about it, but didn’t because I knew that was not an appropriate thing to do. I didn’t want to pick a fight and I knew the comment would immediately turn the conversation into one. I will be honest though and say that part of the reason that I didn’t make the comment is that I am not sure I want to know the answer. I am sure that if I am right the knowledge of her pregnancy will really bother me and I don’t want it to. I can’t control how I react and however that may be my reaction will not be wrong, but I still do not want it to bother me. Another thought that has been running through my head is that if she is pregnant maybe I will get lucky enough and my ex will get so wrapped up in the new baby that he will forget about my son and myself. Sadly I do not think that I will get that lucky, but it is about the only hope that I have to hold on to at this point. All of that being said I feel like I am mentally and emotionally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It’s times like this that I hate the way that my brain works. No matter how I try there is no way I can control my reaction with logic. My reaction will be whatever it is going to be. All the mental preparation in the world will not be able to change what it is going to be. I shouldn’t let myself worry so much about it, but if you will allow me to confide in you — my loving, supportive and understanding friends and family of the internet — part of my fear regarding my reaction to and feelings about the fact that my ex’s girlfriend is pregnant (if she is in fact expecting) is that others will not understand why I feel the way I do. Will my boyfriend, who I love enormously, understand if I am upset? Will I be able to confide in him regarding how I feel or will he wonder if I am upset because he thinks I am not over my ex?

I don’t know if writing this entry is going to help me or not. At this moment I feel like I am still very much in the same place that I was when I started writing this, but I guess that is just par for the course right now. I don’t know if anyone out there has any words of wisdom, thoughts, encouragement or just anything in general that they can and are willing to say, but if you do your comments would be greatly appreciated. I’m not really sure what to say. The only thing that is running through my head right now is something that I have already said several times. I am going in circles, but the fact remains that I am really bothered that it might bother me.


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