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No Time to Breathe

12 Oct

For the first time ever I am starting to feel like I may finally be making some progress in coming to terms with this unwanted divorce. I am sure that, at least in part, it has something to do with the fact that things were finalized last month, but I feel like there are other factors that are having their influence as well, which is good, even if I don’t know what all those factors are at the moment. Even with this feeling of progression there have been many times over this past month where I have felt isolated and alone. Forgotten and unloved. I have been fortunate throughout this whole nightmare that when I have experienced such feeling they have not been overwhelming. The intensity of those feelings were not lessened this past month, but I still feel like I, or at least my emotions, have taken a small baby step in the direction of acceptance.

Act One of the nightmare is over, but Act Two has just begun and it will be just as stressful and overwhelming as the first Act. In fact it will probably be more so because the only real difference is that there will be new and more reasons to feel stressed and overwhelmed. Already there is SO much that I need to address and I do not feel that I have the strength to confront. As with Act One there was no time to take even a single breath let alone acknowledge that my life up to that point was over and little more than a dream.

I do not know what will happen in what remains of this year and even more scary than that I can not even begin to guess what next year will hold. All I can do is keep breathing, putting one foot in front of the other and making the best choices I can with what is available to me. I would not consider myself a woman of faith, I don’t think I ever have, but with the feeling of progress I have maybe I will start to find some comfort in these words. Not because they are addressed to God, but because they may be the only words — besides those of my son telling me he loves me — in which I CAN find comfort.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

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