It should really come as no surprise that as things are getting closer to being finalize (and only God knows when that is going to be) that they are becoming more and more difficult. It is, however, a little surprising to realize that I am still very much stuck in the middle. I didn’t want this divorce, but too much has happened for this nightmare to end any other way. I am not looking forward to finalizing the death of my family, but I can’t stay in limbo for ever. I can’t move forward and there is definitely no going back. I have been confused before in my life, but never have I felt so lost and alone and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.
Maybe this is just another case of my two minds wreaking havoc again, my logically mind and my emotional mind trying to duke it out for dominance, but at most that is only part of the equation. I have said before (and will undoubtedly say it many times again) that I sometimes wish that one half of my mind would just shut off completely for a while leaving the other one in charge. If I had a choice I would say that I would prefer that my emotional half shut down (with the exception of interacting with my son) and allow the logically brain to run the show. I’ll proudly let my geek flag fly and even go so far as saying that it might be nice to be a Vulcan for the foreseeable future.
After more than 18 months of this you would think that I would be not only used to the idea of getting divorced, but maybe even feeling some relief that the end may actually be in sight, but that isn’t the truth and on top of that I have emotional reactions to some of the strangest things. For example: This week I started more earnestly looking into what to do about cell phone service and have gotten as close as you can get to making a decision without actually going into a cell provider’s store and setting up the new service. For a few hours after walking away from all my research I was fine and then all of the sudden it hit me. Once I make a decision and actually set up my new account it will be the first time I have EVER had a cell phone that was not on the same account as my soon-to-be-ex-husband. This was not the first time that thought had run through my head over these last months, but it still hit me. I think the realization was more difficult because of the fact that I am (most likely) within a few weeks of actually setting up the new service. I acknowledged this realization to my friend Kamria hoping that saying it to someone would help in some way. It didn’t, not really. Kamria was encouraging and supportive, but I knew that ultimately nothing she said would help. In additional to being honest about how difficult the thought was I also told her that I was a little frustrated by it because after all this time I should be used to the fact that my life has be obliterated and every little thing about it having to change, but I wasn’t. After all it is just a stupid cell phone, but there I was dwelling on the thought that it was never going to be the same. I’m going to be able to keep my current cell phone number and it’s not like I haven’t had new phones over the course of having had a cell phone, but I couldn’t get past the fact that it was going to be different and that it was going to feel different. With my reaction, albeit delayed, to the research I had done I am afraid of what I am going to be like when I actually have to go in and take steps to make the change.
All of that just over my cell phone. I will be honest and say that it left me feeling more than a little pathetic and broken. It is just a stupid cell phone! It’s a stupid cell phone and here I am feeling like this change in my phone and service provider is somehow a change in who I am. That is not exactly what I mean, but honestly I have no idea how else to say it.
Why can’t this all be getting easier?!? Didn’t someone promise me that as time went on this would all get easier? I could have sworn someone made me that promise. Well whoever you are you were wrong! This is absolutely NOT getting any easier. It is getting more complicated and more difficult to deal with. Please spare me the cliche, tired and overused platitudes about “night being darkest before the dawn” or “time heals all wounds” because those things, while intended to be helpful are most certainly not helpful. The truth is that nothing you can do or say (with the possible exceptions of providing me with a guarantee that my soon-to-be-ex-husband is going to change his mind, walk away and give me 100% uncontested, irrevocable custody of my son and/or the winning lottery numbers to the next multimillion dollar mega jackpot, neither of which is going to happen) is going to help and I will have to struggle and fight through this on my own. Just like I have been doing all along. My few friends and family will do their best to help me, but at least for the time being their support and encouragement (which is much appreciated) doesn’t stop me from feeling very lost and alone in the limbo that is my life. I have resigned myself to the fact that there is no going back. Nothing can or will change that now, even so I am stuck. So much has happened in such a short amount of time that I have no idea how to begin truly moving forward.