I have been wanting to write many times since my 1 year anniversary entry and have found it difficult to do so. Partly because each time I think about writing my mind freezes and I have no idea what to write about. That’s not to say that I don’t have things going on that I would like to write about (this past month has been difficult and I foresee the next several months being even more stressful), but I think it is because there is just so much going on that when I have thought about and even tried to sit down and write I find myself struggling to do so. As you might imagine this is particularly frustrating for me for a variety of reasons. Not the least of which is that I really do feel like this blog has been beneficial in processing everything that has been going on in my life and I want to be able to continue to use this resource regularly. I also get frustrated with myself for feeling so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to begin doing anything, let alone emotionally dealing with and processing everything that I am going through. Most of the time I just want to ignore it. To convince myself that I will wake up tomorrow and find that this has all been some horrible nightmare, but I am too much of a realist to be able to do that. It doesn’t help that I have very few friends and no family (with the exception of my son) in the area to help me out. I know that they want to help me as much as they can, but they all have their own lives and stuff going on that I do not expect them to be available to me much of the time. I know that they will help me as much and in any way that they can, but because I know that they have their own stuff that they are dealing with I usually feel bad about asking for their help and time.
Night time is always bad, but the times/nights without my son are the worst. I have very little that can truly distract me from the separation from my child and it is during those times when I would like distraction the most. Oh I have my knitting and movies. Fairly often I even have a friend that will help me to pass some of the time in the evenings (getting together for dinner or a movie or the like), but at the end of the day (regardless of what time of day that actually is) I am still alone. It’s like I said to one of the people that I have met recently from my online support group: “Being able to chat with someone is nice, but at the end of the day you are still left with yourself and all you want is for someone who really cares for you to hold you close, tell you that everything is going to be ok and stay there until you drift off to sleep.” While these words pale in comparison to the actual feeling this is something that I may never experience again and right now is when I need and want it the most.
As painful and alone as that desire makes me feel I know that there is nothing that I can do about it. That knowledge just makes it worse. There is nothing I can do. I am in limbo with no way out. All I can do now is wait and see what happens. I am not depressed (although I have a right to be with everything that is going on). I am not being negative. I am not discounting future possibilities. I am simply being realistic about the emotional place that I am in at the present moment. I hate that I feel like I have to defend the way that I feel and the emotional place that I am in. I hate that so many people (particularly those who do not know actually know me) either automatically presume to repeat the same old, worn out platitudes or tell me that I am being too negative and that I need to start taking anti-depressants to get past that.
Ok, so this entry has been a little — unfocused, which is yet another source of frustration for me as I really wanted to be able to try and address some of the MANY things that have been building up. I suppose that I should take solace in the fact that I have (at long last) been able to sit down and get something written, but honestly I am not really at a place, emotionally, where I can really acknowledge the positives, let alone actually appreciate and celebrate them. Anyone who not only read this, but actually made it to the end, Thank you for taking the time to not only read my blog, but also for making it through all the unfocused writing in today’s entry. It is appreciated. I hope that there are not very many entries like this one, but if there are I hope that you will understand that occasionally, as frustrating as they are, I need them to process and purge the build up of overwhelming, jumbled, nonsensical mess that makes up my thought and feelings right now. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would kind of like a hard reboot right about now.