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1 Forward, 4 Back

07 Apr

World, Universe, Luck, God, Mysterious Forces, etc;

Why is it that every time I think I am making progress and moving forward something happens that just sucks all the wind out of my sails? I know that I am not a perfect person and I know that there are times I want to give into and relish some of the more bitchy or vindictive impulses that I feel, but for the most part I am able to ignore those impulses. I think that on the whole I am a good person. So is there some reason why you seem to derive quite a bit of enjoyment from watching me struggle and suffer? Have I not suffered enough? Aren’t I currently going through enough right now to satisfy your sadistic schadenfreude (a German word meaning: happiness at the misfortune of others) without having to endure new stresses and difficulties? Or is it that I have done something to personally offend you?

For example, I have been needing to do a serious deep cleaning of my bathroom and my kitchen for the past month or so and just haven’t done it. Lack or energy, lack of time, lack of motivation have all played their part in my delayed cleaning at one time or another, but in the past couple of days I have been able to complete all the cleaning that I wanted to do in the bathroom (including having some repairs done) and have made major headway in getting the kitchen in order and then today at work I was rushed to and stressed about finishing my work on time (made even more frustrating because I was forced to wait for someone else to follow through on something that they HAD to do before I could move forward) followed up with a conversation with my divorce attorney (the call was brief and not bad, per se, but I always feel anxious when I talk to my attorney) and then to receive adversarial texts from my ex which implied that I was stupid and his general hatred for me and everything that I do. To some people this might sound like just a stressful day and nothing more, but for me it feels much deeper than that. I left for work this morning (after spending about an hour in the kitchen doing some much desired cleaning) feeling like I had made some serious and big steps forward to finally getting myself situated in this apartment. Something that I have not net yet felt despite living in this apartment for almost 13 months now. I had known that today was going to be a long day before going to bed last night, but to have been able to actually accomplish the cleaning this morning instead of talking myself out of it was something that I was quite proud of. Then to have work immediately put a dent in that feeling of accomplishment followed by the other stresses of the day I am left feeling “What was the point?!? I haven’t had much in my life these last 18+ months that I can feel proud of or be pleased with myself for and as soon as I do genuinely experience that feeling I am immediately confronted with things that make me feel useless and worthless again. Why should I even bother trying to feel that way if this is going to happen every time?”

If you, the force behind this, are God then let me officially notify you. I am NOT Job! What miniscule amount of faith (if you can even call it that) does not need to be tested and if you need me to prove my faith or belief then you are no God that I would want to believe in.

If you are Karma, again I have to ask if I really deserve this? I try to be a good person, despite my failures from time to time. I am only human and unless you can prove me wrong I think I have more than made up for shortcoming and/or mistakes that weighed negatively against me.

If you are Luck and this is the only kind of luck I can expect to get from you in the foreseeable future then I’d rather have no luck at all. So go away and leave me alone until you are capable of being a better friend.

If you are some force other than one I have named then please just back off. Please. I am not someone who believes the platitude of “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. I have been strong enough in my life as a whole, not to mention the last 18+ months. I don’t need that kind of a workout, so please stop allowing me to take 1 step forward just to turn around and force me to take 4 steps back. My feet are killing me and I just want to sit down and hold my son!

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Posted by on April 7, 2015 in Wonders & Ramblings

 

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