Let me make one thing perfectly clear I am NOT anywhere close to even being in the same universe as even remotely considering starting to date again. More simply stated — I am not ready or interested in dating again any time soon. That being said I still can’t help wondering “Where is my Peeta?”
I am a fan of the Hunger Games books, as well as the movies, although I was a fan of the books first. I am not what some people would consider to be a die hard fan of the books, but I do feel a certain attachment and connection to them. I became a fan of the books not long after my son was born, but before having my personal universe shattered. I knew that things were not 100% perfect (because that would have been naive), but thought I had someone who would fight with me and for me (like Peeta for Katniss). I was wrong.
In addition to the all the things that I have lost as a result of this unwanted divorce I have lost my friend and someone that I could turn to for support and encouragement, which has left an almost insurmountable hole in my support network.It’s not anything new for me to say that I have only a few friends (99% of them women) and of them there are barely a handful that I would consider to be someone that I can truly confide in. All of my friends and family have been (to the best of their abilities) supportive, but there continues to be something missing. Something that I worry I may never get back, especially because I have less than zero interest in dating. The (non-romantic) kind of support and encouragement that comes from a person of the opposite gender. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s just something about a different point of view, a different way to handling a problem or situation — I don’t know — and my confusion is only exacerbated by the fact that my STBX really wasn’t as supportive as he should have been or thought he was (and I am not the only person who has been on the receiving end of his “support” or “encouragement” so I know that statement is not just sour grapes). Even so I still find myself wanting to have some kind of (non-romantic) connection with a friend of the male gender.
This realization, one that I have actually been aware of and trying to process for many months, just raises so many more questions for me. Questions that I find difficult to express. Questions that I do not have the time or mental or emotional energy for and questions that just lead to more questions.
To my girl friends out there both new and old (Sweeite, Kamria, Ona, Victoria, S.C., Sheik, Jess and Lori) know that your love, support, encouragement and most of all patience have been invaluable to me. I could not have made it through this without you. You are all irreplaceable in my life and while I believe that you will all understand what it is that I am trying to express I sincerely hope that you will not take offense.
To any men out there who are reading this — I don’t know how to say what I want to say. I want to be your friend, but please don’t waste my time if you do not sincerely want to be my friend. I’m struggling and in need of support, but that does not mean that I am blind to what is going on around me. I am not perfect and am sure that I will fail to be a good friend on more than one occasion and when I do it won’t be because I don’t care about you, your life or what you are going through, but because I am human and hurting. It won’t be easy for me to trust you despite the fact that I want to, so if I am a weird combination of distant and friendly it is not you or anything that you have done. I am not asking for anything more than a friend, someone that I can talk to, confide in, someone who feels comfortable confiding in me, someone that I can be myself with and know that they will accept and like me for who I am faults and all.
Maybe I am asking too much too soon from the universe, Maybe my current longing for a male friend is indicative of some broken part of me. Maybe it’s nothing more than an idle, desperate fantasy and maybe it is nothing at all. Whatever the reason behind the question, as perplexing, maddening and potentially ridiculous as it is I can’t shake it off and I can’t help but wonder — Where is my Peeta?