A new year has started and it has been a struggle from the first second. So it may be a new year, but other than that there is nothing else that is new.
I have tried to sit down countless times to write an entry since Year From Hell 2.0 started and have been unable to because I just can’t seem to express the things that I need to express. I am not ok with the fact that so much time has passed since my last entry, but life has definitely thrown me curve ball after curve ball with many more to come. (Dear God how am I ever going to make it through what is shaping up to be another nightmare year.)
For the first year in probably my whole life I do not have any New Year’s Resolutions. I briefly thought about it, but the truth of the matter is that I am SO overwhelmed by everything that is going on that I just don’t need the added pressure and stress.
I have gotten and still get EXTREMELY IRRITATED by all the New Year New You stuff that I see all over the place. (Since we are almost through the first month of 2015 that has died down some, except online, but I do still encounter it and it just upsets me.) What I am going through is not difficult because of my perspective. It’s not a matter of disliking something about myself, like wanting to lose a little bit of weight or breaking a habit, that I can resolve to change by altering some of my habits. I can’t just wake up and say “It’s a new year so it’s time to start over.” This situation doesn’t work that way. Every second of every minute of every day is difficult and is a challenge in itself.
What New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day served only to remind me of just how long my life has been one long nightmarish, emotional, hurt and anger — — filled heartbreak. Every day is an eternity that somehow bleeds in to the next more quickly than I am prepared to deal with. If I wasn’t 100% certain that I am already broken I would say that another year of this would definitely break me potentially beyond repair.
I don’t discount the possibility that this year could take an up swing. It is a distinct possibility, but from where I am sitting now (alone in a bed that still does not feel like my own, in an apartment that still does not feel like home trying to desperately come to terms with one of the most massive life changes that was cruelly forced on me all while just wanting to be hugged an comforted by someone who couldn’t care less about me and yet will have to deal with me for the rest of our lives) I don’t really think it is going to happen. Instead I’m trying to distract myself to the point of utter exhaustion in an attempt to be too tired to dream so that I can wake up and struggle with the huge void and all the pain surrounding it and still try to be the mother that my son deserves and that I want to be. — sigh
So here we go.
— deep breath —
Year From Hell 2.0 has begun.