I try not to say ‘I wish…’ anymore. Hell, I try not to even think it. I know it’s a harmless thought, but lately it just pisses me off. What is the point?!?!? Sure, somewhere (don’t ask me where though) it has been said that it is important for us to have a healthy imagination and to have dreams and wishes, but what point does it serve? Motivation? Inspiration? As a coping mechanism? Anyone who is going through, or has gone through, what I am currently going through would most likely tell you that an ‘I wish…’ statement isn’t even worth the breath you used to express it. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make what you are going through any easier. It doesn’t help you to forget. It doesn’t really do anything.
Recently I was asked the question ‘If you knew that you could not fail, what would you do?’. All of the other people took a long time searching for some deep and meaningful answer, but with in seconds I knew that my response was far less lofty. My response? Play the lottery. As many as I could. Sure that probably sounds like I am being incredibly shallow and selfish to anyone who doesn’t know me or my situation, which is fine by me, think what you want, but the truth is that was my honest and sincere answer. As I was (sort of) listening to everyone else’s answers I wanted to say, even just to myself, that I wished something like that could happen. That I wished I could find or receive a lottery ticket that would end up being worth a decent sum. I wanted to wish that I could experience a single day where everything that I did was a resounding success, but knew that such a wish would mean nothing.
Anyone who knows me personally will tell you that while I am not a religious person that I am not wholly without some belief. I believe that there is some kind of higher power, but I also believe (at least for the time being) that whatever or whoever that higher power is it is nothing more than an asshole. My recent view of ‘I wish…’ statements just reaffirms that current belief. In my mind a wish is kind of like a small prayer. Think about it, whether you are wishing on a shooting star, a birthday candle, a loose eyelash before blowing it off your finger tip, you are stating something that you want and sending it out into the universe in hopes that you will get your desire. Isn’t that similar to a prayer, in it’s most basic form? So, if a wish is a small prayer and you make a wish and that wish is never fulfilled (because 99.999999999999999% of the time they aren’t) then don’t you feel just a little bit like you have been ignored and snubbed? Even just a little? Think about it and be honest.
I am sure that I can imagine most of the arguments that this thought process could conjure up and I am tempted to preemptively state my responses to those arguments, but to be honest I am really tired of always looking at everything from everyone else’s point of view and focusing solely on my point for fear of offending someone, but I’m not going to do that this time. It would be wonderful to feel like there is an all-knowing entity or force out there that loves and cares about me, but I don’t. Wishing won’t change that. Wishing won’t change what I am going through. Wishing won’t make what I am going through any easier. Wishing won’t change how I am feeling or get me through the grief process any faster and wishing definitely and without a doubt will not help me get those things that I REALLY want no matter how hard or how many times I might wish for them.
So, what am I left with? Nothing more than I had before, except for possibly feeling a little more empty and deflated than before I made the wish and, believe it or not, a wish. I wish that, at least for the time being, the concept of and hope for wishes to be real and to mean something would go away. Stop sprinkling salt on my already painful wounds and allow me to suffer in silence, in my own head if nowhere else.