It has been about 4 1/2 months since my son and I moved into this new apartment. Most of the boxes are gone, most things have been sorted through, organized and put in their place, but it still doesn’t feel like home. It’s not a bad apartment, despite the fact that there are things that I wish were different, but I don’t like it here. I don’t want to be here and it is very possible that I’ll move in the not too distant future. I still struggle to call it “home” and every time I do (usually just to my son) it feels like a lie and creates an ache in my chest. It makes sense, even to me it makes sense, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
I am sure that there are those out there who, in their attempts to show empathy and support, would spout those vile clichés of “One day at a time”, “It will get better with time” and the like, but aside from hating such statements, which I do, they do not provide me with any help, comfort, support, strength or hope. To me they are nothing more than empty words.
How am I supposed to be able to feel at home when I am surrounded by things that are reminders to me of everything that I have lost? I can’t get rid of everything and even if I did it wouldn’t help. For example, I did not bring the bed that I had slept in for probably the last 7 years and instead have purchased one (in excellent condition) from Craigslist, but each night when I go to (or try to go to) sleep I can not help but to think “This isn’t my bed. The sheets are mine, the blankets and pillows are mine, but this bed isn’t right. It isn’t mine.” Some nights it is the actual words that go through my mind, others it is just the feeling behind those words that burn their way through me. It’s just another perfect example of how I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t and I am getting really tired of it.
I know that I can’t force myself to feel at home just like I can’t force myself to be done with grieving the death of my marriage. There are, however, a lot of changes that I am being forced to accept, first and foremost this unwanted divorce, but there is no way to force myself to accept those changes quickly. So where does that leave me?!? What am I supposed to do? Like I said before I don’t really like this apartment for various reasons and would consider moving under the right conditions, but I try not to think about that too much because if I do move it won’t be any time soon, I hate moving and really am not interested in going through that process again and most importantly because I know that dwelling on all the reasons why I don’t like this apartment will only make it more difficult for me to be able to eventually consider this home.
For the time being I guess all I can do is get used to the fact that this is, for the time being and by default, my home. Getting used to something is a LONG way from accepting it, but I hope, with what little hope I have left, that getting used to this new “home” will at least be a step toward accepting and ultimately feeling at home. Until then I will have to ignore as best I can the feeling of “Home NOT Sweet Home” that I am experiencing.