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I don’t matter

09 Jun

Ex,

I know that it bothers you when I say things like “You’ve proven that you care less than nothing about me.” I know that you think those are contentious and unnecessary comments, especially because you say that they aren’t true, which I don’t know how you can expect me to believe you. Regardless of whether or not you actually do care about me in any way or to any small degree and regardless of whether or not I believe you the truth is that you have made me FEEL that you care less than nothing about me. That I am not worth loving. That I am not worth committing to and that ultimately I am not worth fighting for. YOU have done that and what is your reason? You say it’s because we didn’t work well and didn’t belong together. You say that it’s because you didn’t treat me well, which is true, but those are not the real reasons. Those are the reasons that you want to believe. Those are the reasons that make all of this easier for you because they are easier to accept than the truth, which is that you didn’t want to put in the effort to try to make things better for us as individuals and as a couple. Despite everything that we had been through and everything that I supposedly meant to you you decided that you would rather just walk away than to make any effort. Forget that we have spent almost half our lives together. Forget that we have a son, a completely innocent son who deserved for his mother and father to fight like hell to keep his family together. Forget that your decision to give up destroys the lives of the two people who loved you the most. Why should any of those things get in the way of what you selfishly and let’s face it cowardly want? You decided that none of those things mattered and therefore you non-verbally told me that I did not matter and that I never really did.

I did not want any of this. I have made no secret of that and I know that bothers you because as far as you are concerned what I did or didn’t want doesn’t matter. At this point you may be right about that, but only in so much as you have gone so far now that you have made it impossible for us to ever be together ever again no matter how desperately at times I want us to be. I will NEVER forgive you for this and would not be surprised if our son does not either. After all you never forgave your father. I find that ironic. You have essentially become the man who you despise and generally refuse to consider family and I don’t even think that you have realized that yet, at least not consciously.

I don’t know if you miss anything about me, more than just someone who would be waiting for you when you got home, more than just someone to take care of your son, more than just someone who helps to take care of you. I don’t know if I was just a place holder until something better came along or you decided that you didn’t want to be bothered with me anymore. I don’t know if you will ever share any of that with me and I don’t know whether hearing it will help me feel better or make me feel worse should you decide to share with me at some point. I do know that right now I want to know if there is anything about me as your wife, as a person, as someone who loved you more than there are stars in the universe that meant/means anything to. Is there anything about me as your wife, as a person, as someone who loved you more than there are stars in the universe that you miss. I can’t help but be curious. I can’t help but want to know and I can’t help but care. Unlike you, especially because I did not want any of this, I am not able to just walk away and move on and despite what you think of me and despite what you have been able to do I can not and will not just go out and start jumping into bed with anyone. Your argument to always being better at maintaining a facade than I was when things are wrong aside (and those arguments are complete bullshit by the way) I think you are just trying to convince yourself that you were right, that you were in the right, that you did absolutely nothing wrong and therefore you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. So go ahead, continue being selfish and doing all of those things that you are already doing, that you will want to do and that will help you sleep better at night for now. Forget about all the unnecessary pain, suffering and devastation that you have caused because you were too much of a coward to fight for the best thing in your life. Just continue as you are because I’m not worthy of having someone love me and I don’t matter.

 

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Posted by on June 9, 2014 in Letters to Ex

 

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