This past week has been another tough one. (Not that I have any good weeks anymore.) There were so many moments where I felt completely overwhelmed by all of the things that I am somehow going to have to figure out how to accomplish. I don’t know how to even get started and the usual platitudes that people spout about “Take things one day at a time” and “If it’s meant to happen it will happen” do nothing more than piss me off. They are not helpful, they are most certainly NOT reassuring and I would rather that people keep their mouth shut instead of spewing that kind of garbage.
The largest and most overwhelming moment this week came when I was watching my son play soccer with my father who was visiting. My father made the comment about how when my son starts grade school and has the ability to join a team (most likely soccer, but it seems like he will enjoy most any sport) that he is going to have a blast. In response I stated that I have often thought that I am going to have to learn how to play soccer just so I can coach his team. It was a very true statement. I have in fact thought that on many occasions but never said it out loud. The act of saying it out loud somehow made it much more weighty. I would have absolutely NO PROBLEM learning to play soccer so that I can couch my son’s team, in fact I would be proud to do it, but saying it out loud just made me realize how much I expect myself to be a Super Mom. There’s more to it than that though. Yes, I apparently have this expectation of myself, but I also want to be a Super Mom for my son. These are things that I have been at least vaguely aware of, but still hit me like a sledgehammer to the head when making that seemingly innocent comment to my father.
How am I supposed to accomplish such a task? How am I supposed to reconcile the fact that I KNOW it is impossible to actually accomplish said task? I know that all I can do is my best. To be there for my son in every way possible whenever and however he needs me to be. To be supportive, encouraging, to tell and more importantly show him everyday that I love him unconditionally and will do so for the rest of his life. That doing those things is the closest I’ll ever come to being a Super Mom, but all of that “knowledge” doesn’t change the fact that I desperately want to be absolutely everything to my son the way he is to me.
These questions have brought another realization to the surface — I am terrified that I am going to disappoint and/or generally let down my son. I do not ever want to do that. I want to be the one that he knows he will always be able to count on. That no matter how tough things get that I will never run away. Disappointing him, no matter how small the disappointment may be, would absolutely kill me right now. I am sure that there are people out there who would tell me that I am only setting myself up for failure with the expectation and desire to achieve Super Mom status. They would be right and I would be the first to agree and admit it, but I don’t know how it can be avoided. Am I going to be able to be all the things I want and need to be for my son in the coming years? Will I reach the mythical Super Mom status or will my attempts blow up in my face like a super bomb?