Help me keep our friendship

Friends,

I’ve said it before, I’ll most likely say it again, but I am still going to say it again now. I have not, will not and am not going to ask you to pick between me and my, whatever you want to call him. I have no right to ask such a thing and because you are my friends would never want to cause you the kind of pain and unease that such a situation surely creates. That being said I can make a choice. One that is no less difficult or painful, at least for me, than what I am currently experiencing or that you would experience if I asked you to make a choice and take sides. I am choosing to make the choice for you. If we have not seen each other, spoken, texted, emailed or otherwise communicated over the past weeks or months then perhaps there is no need to do so in the future.

Please do not misunderstand what I am saying or why I am saying it. I do NOT want to lose you as a friend but – – –

Ok, maybe this is the way to approach this. Because I have spent so much time thinking about this let me share with you the thoughts, in no particular order, that I’ve been having.

• For a variety of reasons I am uncomfortable contacting you.
• I am unsure if you want me to contact you.
• I don’t know if you are having any contact with my ex.
• If you are having contact with him I do not know to what extent your contact and/or friendship with him extends.
• I don’t know if I can trust you to keep anything that I may tell you in confidence just between us. (I generally have trust issues, but they have been magnified a hundred fold by recent events.)
• I don’t know if you believe me when I tell what it is that has happened and is currently happening.
• I don’t know if the things that you tell me (such as your opinion on what is going on, how I am dealing with it, what you think I should do and how you feel about me, just to name a few) are true.
• I am being forced to accept the murder of my old life, a life that I loved with every fiber of my being, and yet there are SO many people and things that keep me tethered to it.
• These tethers (wanted, unwanted or otherwise) make it almost impossible to even begin to start building a new life, something that I have no choice but to figure out how to do.
• I want to keep our friendship.
• I want to be able to be comfortable contacting you.
• I want you to be able to be comfortable contacting me.
• I want you to want to be friends with me.
• I want to know that you want to be friends.
• I want to know that I can trust you completely if/when I do confide in you.
• I have forcefully lost so much that I don’t want to lose anymore.

This is just a brief list of the things that are going through my head as I wrestle with the decision that lies before me regarding our friendships. The unlisted thoughts/concerns are unlisted because I do not feel that I know how to express them and I do not want to start rambling. I really don’t want to lose anyone else that I care about, but I can’t initiate or do the work on maintaining my friendships with you right now. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I am barely holding myself together (hell there are even times when I don’t have the ability to do that), so I need you to do some of it and help me do the rest, or I’ll have to assume that our friendship is over. Just remember how you failed or were unwilling to help when I needed you to the next time you want or need something from me. I’ve lost my love, please help me to keep our friendship.