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I will miss you

23 May

My beautiful boy,

We are standing at the threshold of another unpleasant milestone in this life change that has been forced on us by your father. I am, of course, referring to the implementation of your visitation schedule with your father. This is something that I have been dreading for some time now and even if I had a lifetime to prepare for it would never be ready for.

I know that I have not talked to you about this much. Maybe that was a mistake and if it was then I am most sincerely sorry. There are a variety of reasons that I wasn’t sure how to talk to you about it, chiefly I wasn’t sure you would understand (I know that you are a very smart little boy, but this is kind of complicated situation that sometimes even I do not understand), I wasn’t sure how to explain what everything meant and because every time I would think about this impending date I would get nervous, anxious, emotional, and angry and I did not want to those emotions to inform your impression of this particular portion of our new routine anymore than it probably already did.

Despite what I have very little doubt your father will accuse me of, especially if this first visit does not go smoothly, when I have spoken to you about your upcoming visit with your father I have tried not to make it sound like a bad thing. I have NOT told you how much I hate the idea of you going to stay with your father. That I do NOT trust him to be able to take care of you. How I have not trusted his ability to take care of you properly since you were only a week or so old when he would yell at you to shut the fuck up when you would be crying in the middle of the night and be difficult to soothe. I have not told you how much I resent and am angry with your father for these visitations. That I do not believe that he deserves to be your father let alone have a visitation schedule. (Hell, from the time I was pregnant until you were about 2 and a half years old every time your father would get angry with me about something he would tell me how he didn’t believe that you were his son and that he had no doubt that I was trying to trick him into raising another man’s child, so how can I feel like he deserves to be your father and in your life?) How I hope that you give him absolute hell and make the visitation experience so difficult and frustrating for him that he not only calls to ask me to pick you up early, but also so that he essentially loses interest in having a visitation schedule at all. I have not told you these things because despite the fact that ever letter is completely and 100% true I do not have the right to say those things to you. Again I have essentially no doubt that  your father will accuse me of telling you things like that, especially if your visit with him does not go as smoothly as he is wanting and/or expecting it to go. I will actually be shocked to the point of being speechless if your visitation concludes and no such accusation has been levied.

Your visit with your father will hopefully pass quickly, but in that time I will miss you more than I seem to have the ability to express. I will be anxious, nervous, on edge, stressed and unable to focus until you are returned home to me. Until I can see that you are healthy and safe and until I can hold you in my arms. Your visit with your father hasn’t started yet and I already miss you like crazy. I just want you to know that I will always love you, no matter what, and that even when we are not together I am always here for you. You are now the only thing in my life that matters and I will miss you. You are my everything and (right now) my only happiness.

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4 Comments

Posted by on May 23, 2014 in Letters to Son

 

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4 responses to “I will miss you

  1. Lette

    July 9, 2014 at 12:16 am

    Ugh!! How did the first visit go?

     
    • LFaSM

      July 9, 2014 at 8:29 am

      My son did much better than I did. It was and continues to be difficult. I try to distract myself when he is gone, but it isn’t easy to do. I absolutely HATE the fact that he has to go visit his father at all!

       
      • Lette

        July 9, 2014 at 7:37 pm

        My ex-husband has 25 hours a year with our son. Our son is 3 and he has yet to take him. I dread when he actually comes and takes him. I kinda think when someone is married and they cheat, they are saying they don’t want the family or marriage.
        Is your ex a good dad?

         
      • LFaSM

        July 9, 2014 at 7:42 pm

        In some ways, but on the whole I would have to say no. Before the visitation schedule was implemented I had never left him alone with my son for more than a few hours at a time because I didn’t trust him and even then there were (non-violent) incidents that just added to and supported my concern about leaving him to take care of my son. I trust him even less now.

         

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