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Forgetting isn’t an option

02 May

Self,

Here we are again. Feeling compelled to write something, but having nothing specific putting itself in the forefront to be focused on. It was a rough week and one that while I am not sorry to see end will surely repeat itself far too frequently in the coming months.

It is now May which means that Mother’s Day and my birthday are fast approaching. Neither of which I am looking forward to. This will only be my third Mother’s Day and sadly despite everything that is going on in my life right now this will probably be the best Mother’s Day I have had so far, which only makes it more depressing to think about. I don’t even get to spend the day with my son. Instead I have to work and will only get the evening with him. It helps to know that he will not be with his father that day, but not enough to even make a dent. The truth is that even if I didn’t have to work that day my son and I probably wouldn’t be doing anything super exciting, but that would suit me just fine since I have never wanted, needed or expected much.

I seriously doubt that Mother’s Day will even cross Ex’s mind and I don’t know what I’ll do, think of feel if I turn out to be wrong and he does remember.  It’s not something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about, but since Mother’s Day does come before Father’s Day I have been thinking that however Ex does or does not handle Mother’s Day is how I should approach Father’s Day. On the flip side of that I wonder if I should approach Father’s Day the way that I want him to approach Mother’s Day. — So many pros and cons and no clear winner between the two. I am just sick and tired of always being the one that always takes the high road and treats him the way that I would want to be treated. He NEVER responds in kind and either can’t or won’t see and acknowledge  that. This is, of course, nothing new, but it doesn’t make it any easier, especially with what he is putting me through right now.

I should hate him. I should probably be trying harder to make things difficult for him, not worrying about my intentionally not doing something for Father’s Day, his birthday, Christmas, etc would be horrible and unacceptable. I won’t be giving him anything personally, rather I would be helping my son to get him something for each of those occasions, but if I don’t does that mean that I really am the petty person that he has repeatedly told me that I am? If I do decide to help my son get him a card, gift, etc for these occasions I feel like it’s going to make it just that much harder to even try to move on. (Not that I’m doing a particularly bang up job of that as it is, but — how am I supposed to able to start coming to terms with the forced loss of the man who I love when I still have to remember to get him something special for his birthday, Christmas, Father’s Day and so on?!?) I’ll never look at any of these occasions the same way again, but I guess that is to be expected. But would someone please tell me how I am supposed to be expected to let go of my old life when it was really ripped from my grasp while still remaining tethered (in more ways than one)?

He asked me once if I could just go out and do something to forget him, but how am I supposed to “forget” when every minute of every day is full of reminders and forgetting isn’t an option?

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Posted by on May 2, 2014 in Letters to Self

 

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