Need is not want

26 Apr


From early on in this nightmare you have created you have either been yelling/swearing/insulting me or offering to help me with things like moving, setting up the new apartment, etc. I can not tell you how frustrating, irritating, upsetting and even generally offensive it is when you make such offers. Where was your willingness to help when it really fucking mattered?!?!? When I was begging you to work with me to try to save our marriage? To save our family? Where was it? You couldn’t be bothered to help with those things, things that actually matter, but you get irritated because I moved without asking for your help. How does that make sense? What makes you think that I am going to want your help with anything moving forward when you flat-out and callously refused to help when it was most important? I am sure that there will be times when I have absolutely no choice but to ask for your assistance with something, but I can assure you that if/when that time comes I will resent not only having to ask for your help, but every microsecond of that help and I will not be shy about letting you know that.

Honestly I am amazed that it seems to be so difficult for you to understand why I don’t want to ask you for help. For months, even before moving out of the old apartment I had stopped asking you for anything. Since moving out I haven’t asked you for a single thing. No help with moving, no help with unpacking, no help with setting up various things (like the wireless internet, the TV/DVD player etc), no requests for money or help paying for rent or groceries or gas. No requests of any kind. It hasn’t been easy and I have absolutely no doubt that things are going to become SO much more difficult before they gradually begin to get easier and still I have not asked you for anything. Not a single fucking thing. Something that you seem to be completely blind to or are unwilling to acknowledge.

You, on the other hand have repeatedly asked me for help on a variety of things, and for some reason I keep helping you. You ask me to help you by not forcing you to get a lawyer, but to be willing to work on coming to an agreement together. You call me in the middle of the night to ask me to help you finish filling out paperwork that I had to go through and figure out on my own months ago so that they can be filed with the court. These are just two examples of times when you have asked for my help since you told me that you no longer wanted me to be part of your life and for some reason I keep giving it to you. I shouldn’t, but I do. Maybe it’s because I don’t trust you not to blow things completely out of proportion again (like you did this past January) which would essentially turn this into a war and believe it or not that is not something I am actually interested in having happen. Maybe it’s because I am trying to prove to you that I am not the vindictive and petty woman who is out to screw you over that you have repeatedly accused me of being. (Yes, sadly what you think of me still matters to me and probably will for some time.) Maybe it’s because I’m really not the vindictive and petty woman who is out to screw you over that you think I am. More than likely it’s for all those reasons and ones that I am not even aware of yet. Who knows and honestly it doesn’t really matter because it doesn’t change anything.

Nothing will change the fact that at some point in the future I am more than likely going to NEED your help, don’t confuse the necessity of your help with wanting your help.

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Posted by on April 26, 2014 in Letters to Ex


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