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No faith, little hope

21 Apr

Self,

For the past week I have consistently, if not constantly, been on the verge of tears. While the general underlying cause is obvious and understandable I feel like there is a more specific cause that I have yet to be able to put my finger on. Maybe it’s because it, whatever it is, is something that currently lies on the border of my subconscious and my conscious. Some thought, feeling, fear, etc not yet fully formed or realized about to break through. (Most likely unleashing a whole new level of pain in its wake.) Then again maybe it’s the fact that since all of this started I don’t sleep well and the little sleep I do get is filled with dreams of the less than beautiful kind 95% (or more) of the time. I wouldn’t call them nightmares, but they are extremely unpleasant as they revolve around and are filled with everything that’s going on. That’s right. Even in sleep there is no escape. So maybe this consistent feeling of being ready to cry at the drop of, well anything is simply a result of day in, day out, month after month of building stress with no real coping or processing time.

Last week was particularly hard. I felt so frustrated much of the week and just generally annoyed. I am also starting to feel much more pressure and it’s becoming overwhelming in a way that I don’t know how to explain. I’ve held together because I don’t have a choice. Somehow everyday I have to find a way through because my son needs me and I don’t have the luxury of becoming useless or having a meltdown and somehow, so far I have been able to do that, but I don’t know for how much longer I’ll be able to. I feel the wall coming and don’t know if there is any way past it.

I’ve often stated that I worry that maybe I haven’t been dealing with things in the healthiest way possible. That while I have not denied what I am going through and feeling I have fought to control it rather than to let it control me. I wonder if maybe the best and healthiest thing for me would have been to have had an absolute meltdown at some point early on. To not only allow, but encourage, that purely emotional side of me to rage and carry on and blow itself out so that it could be done and over with. Allowing my more rational and logical side to take over and carry me through to the end. It would have been a completely understandable response, normal even, but I didn’t. It’s true that the main reason for that is because I don’t have a choice. I can not “leave” my son, even emotionally, to indulge in an avalanche of emotion myself. On top of that I’ll be honest and say that I’m concerned that if I were to allow myself to completely let go, even for the shortest amount of time, that I may not be able to put myself back together in such a way that I would be able to regain and then remain in control as well as I have done so far. My ex (or whatever you want to call him) would beg to differ and tell you that I have been far too emotional and that all my decisions about how to handle this situation have been nothing but emotional and as a result they will only serve to come back and bite me in the butt.

I don’t know what to think about all of this any more and this isn’t something that I can just feel my way through. I know that this isn’t something that I’ll just suddenly get over. I know, expect and accept that this is going to take years to work through and even then it is something that I do not believe I will ever fully come to terms with. I have absolutely NO faith that things will be ok and VERY little hope that they will be.

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Posted by on April 21, 2014 in Letters to Self

 

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