Rest of the world,
I am hurting, I am angry and honestly my general hate of all people has increased tenfold. I don’t owe any of you any explanations, but I will, at least this one time provide you with a very brief explanation. I do not like people. Individuals are ok (which we will not get into right now because that is NOT what this is about) but I do not like people in general. Explanation over. Don’t like it? Then you can stop reading right now.
Somehow, everyday, I have to find a way to get up, take care of my young son, once a week he has swim class, run errands, cook, clean, do laundry AND somehow still find a way to come to terms with the death of my marriage and everything that involves. Most of the time my day is so full of just trying to be there for my son and not letting the hurt and the anger that have nothing to do with him be directed at him that I have no emotional energy for anything else. Those are the ‘good’ days. On the bad days I have had very little to no sleep the night before and as a result have even LESS emotional energy. Then there are the ‘REALLY bad days’ where I’ve had little to no sleep the night before AND randomly throughout the day thoughts will pop into my head. Sometimes they are just thoughts that have become habit over the years, like being at the grocery store and seeing something that I know my (unfortunately soon to be) ex-husband liked or would regularly ask for and the thought of “I should get that for him” will enter my head only to be followed by thoughts where I remember that he’s gone and I’ll never be buying things for him again and the pain of it all comes crashing down on me again. Other times I’ll be in the same grocery store and another type of thought will pop into my head. Something that is more along the lines of the fact that he is already and actively sharing what used to be my bed with another woman will be what pops into my head, which just causes almost MORE pain than I can bear. Being in public where I’m surrounded by a bunch of people who I don’t know and don’t want to know only makes all of these instances worse. Being around people who I like and actually want to be around is hardly bearable in all of this, so why on Earth would I ever to be around anyone I don’t know?!?
So here is a quick summary for you — If I don’t know you, I don’t want to. If I don’t know you it’s safe to assume that I don’t like you. If I know you and don’t already like you, that’s not going to change. If I don’t like you just leave me alone and stay out of my way. I have a VERY finite amount of patience and emotional energy and control. You have about a 20 in 7 billion chance of being one of the extremely few people I happen to think is worth using that limited amount of energy with, so please don’t waste my time and I’ll try not to run you over.
I really hate people.