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Out of my nightmares and into reality

17 Apr

One night before bed in the early Fall of 2013 my husband, a man whom I have loved for going on 16 years, told me that just a few nights before he had allowed himself to get drunk and in doing so to have sexual contact with another woman. (His only regret being that none of it had happened while he and the other woman were sober and therefore capable of doing more.) It was difficult to hear, to accept, to know how to react and so on. I spent, as one would imagine, the next few days trying to figure out what to do next. In the end I decided that despite my hurt and anger that I still loved this man who I had devoted my life and love to and wanted to try to save my marriage. I stated my desires and intentions to my husband only to be informed that he had decided he wanted a separation and most likely a divorce. My pain, anger, fear and desperation only doubled with this newest revelation.

All of this happening within a couple of months of my husband requesting that we start trying to get pregnant with our second child and having actually starting to try!

Eventually I stopped fighting against what he was forcing on me, and our young son, since my wants and desires were of no importance and no longer mattered to him.

This blog, which in most cases will generally be written in letter format, is intended to help me come to terms with what I am currently going through (not just the separation, impending divorce, but also the fact that I am now a single mother), make sense of what I am feeling, coming to terms with a situation that has been painfully and callously forced on me and, hopefully in the long run, even move on.

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5 Comments

Posted by on April 17, 2014 in General

 

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5 responses to “Out of my nightmares and into reality

  1. Bird

    April 18, 2014 at 7:15 am

    Sorry this happened to you. I lost my marriage in a similar way after 20 years. Writing in my blog was a kind of therapy, and just communicating with people who have had their heart broken too, helped.

    There are no words that ever make any of this tolerable, so I won’t try. Just know, my heart goes out to you and your son.

    ~Bird

     
    • LFaSM

      April 18, 2014 at 7:28 am

      Thank you for your kind words. I honestly didn’t expect anyone to read this blog, let alone leave comments, so I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you have done both. Thank you.

       
      • Bird

        April 18, 2014 at 7:50 am

        There are hundreds of men and women blogging about their own relationships falling apart. I think you are going to be really amazed at how many people will actually find their way here… if you keep writing. I have seen twice that many people write one or two posts and then you never hear from them again. I wrote a lot in mine, even times I embarrassed myself. I went through a drunk/high/codependence phase and drunk dialed people I barely knew and posted rants that barely made any sense! It was crazy how much this hurts, and just how insane with pain I was. Looking back now, I’m glad I have a record of the whole thing. If you ever have any questions or want to vent, I’m Bird. I write at everyonehasastory.me,
        Keep writing. It might be the only thing that gives you any real sense of relief for a while. Just remember, despite how hard it is to even breath right now, it does pass. It seems like an eternity, but the day will finally arrive that you don’t cry, or obsess, or cyber stalk him (yes. I did that too.) Hang in there!

         
      • LFaSM

        April 18, 2014 at 8:02 am

        I wish I had more time and energy to write (although if I did I would probably post some pretty pointless and nonsensical things), but with a 3 year old at home I just don’t. This is a new blog, but so far one of the hardest things for me is to have the need or desire to write about something that I’m currently feeling or going through and not be able to because my priority and focus has to be other places.

         
      • Bird

        April 18, 2014 at 8:06 am

        I can just imagine! My kids were grown when I went through this. If I had to have taken care of a tiny child, I doubt either of us would have made it out alive.
        Just write when you want to, don’t when it is too much. You aren’t writing for anyone but yourself when you write a public journal through something like this. Wishing you all the happiness in the world…
        ~ Bird

         

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